Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
