Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
