You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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