Best friends brother. Beat that.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
