When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
