six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
