Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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