My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
