I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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