He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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