the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
