i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
