Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
