fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
