My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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