I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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