Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
