god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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