ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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