Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
