Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Randomize
