From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
my sisters under your porch take her home
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
