I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Randomize
