I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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