Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
