worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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