3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize