I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
