I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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