I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
