Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
