maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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