Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
