who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
