My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
