I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
