my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
