Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
