I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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