Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
