i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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