Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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