I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
