I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
