i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
