You smell like a Billy Joel song
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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