when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
