literally had 100 drinks last night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
