my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We are two peas in an std pod
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize