I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
