my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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