my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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