I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
