I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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