He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
