so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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