she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
