I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
